I feel proud of myself. I have actually been working on my dissertation
chapters more consistently after an extended downtime when there was no real
progress. I would not consider my hiatus from my dissertation a
“break” because even though I was not making any tangible progress, I
kept coming back to it, doing some reading, taking notes, maybe editing. I also
did not feel any form of relaxation, knowing that the pages were saved in my
laptop, hoping to grow in words. I felt (and still feel) shame for not being
productive, not eating and breathing literature and data, and turning that into
a decent document that can get me my Ph.D.

However, I have now moved past that guilt!

I am coming back to this document, to the literature, the notes, and the
data with more confidence and just ready to complete it and let it go. It is
still not easy, though. I find myself reading what I have and thinking it is
all garbage. My body then decides it is too tired to continue. I start yawning,
and my eyes hurt. Simultaneously, I begin to get nervous, my heart is pounding,
and I have to remember to breathe. I have to take a few deep breaths to calm
down but not fall asleep.

It is a process, but I am so happy to be back in the game.